“ Her tail curls slowly upward, steadily poised and ready to strike. He didn’t see it coming. The venom moves quickly through his body, and he drops to the floor, writhing in agony as the poison spreads … His vacant eyes, plead for mercy. Hers, dark as obsidian, unforgiving cut into his. There is no mercy here.
***
Standing over his body, she waits. Watches as he writhes in pain, in a desperate attempt to gain control over limbs and ligaments no longer obedient. She waits.
He must succumb to fate…
Soon. And
She contemplates.
Remorse. There is some, but not enough…
... It is finished.
She crawls away satisfied.
At last
Knowing.
That he understood what it meant
To suffer.

-An excerpt from Vengeance

***

After some serious introspection (and Sade on heavy rotation), I recognize that while it’s easy to blame my partner for the demise of our relationship since he was caught red handed-excuse me-“pink lace undie handed” to be precise, I’m just as guilty. It’s just that I didn’t get caught. I’m not proud of that, but there’s a part of me that would have liked him to know that he wasn’t the only one in the relationship that was happy. I was desired too…

Not being enough, the feeling of being rejected hurt more than anything else.

We both allowed the deception to continue because we were afraid to tell one another the truth about what we needed from each other. Relationships are hard.

We enter relationships for different reasons: to fill a void, seek validation or to fulfill familial, cultural or societal expectations. To satisfy those expectations and get people off our backs, we enter partnerships forged in deception. Relationships beginning this way-even if they last, are the most destructive.

We settle. We compromise. Resent our partners, and hate ourselves for being hateful and resentful. This is not who we are.

It’s an overused cliche, but it’s true: you can’t give or accept love if you don’t love yourself-or even know what love is.

Lying is a fight or flight response to the perceived threat of what might happen should we tell the truth about some stupid shit we’ve done. While I’m still learning who I am and what I’m willing to put up with in relationships going forward-I know this: lying is a dealbreaker. Reason being, if you felt the need to lie in the first place, there’s already a disconnect between us, and in that case, what’s the point in pursuing the relationship further? You should respect your partner enough to allow them to make their own decisions about whether they wish to work through an uncomfortable truth, or bounce.

Don’t Pretend…

…to love something you hate (like soccer) to impress your partner-or get them to spend time with you. I promise, it will come back to bite you in the ass, especially when their thing takes precedence over quality time you should be spending together doing things you both enjoy. You know you can’t sit through the announcer’s monotone and the droning chants from the fans in the stands. It’s torture. What’s worse, the enthusiasm and passion they show for the most boring game in history, they’ve not shown to you or your relationship. The game’s in overtime, and while they’re waiting for their team to score, you’re waiting for them to acknowledge you exist. Meanwhile, you drift further apart, as you leave him to the game and go about your own business. If you want to test your endurance, try and get through Infinite Jest. Again. Testing your threshold for literary pain is your thing.

Dem Changes…

You and your partner were all about the pda when you began seeing each other. Holding hands, kissing and cuddlin’ in public. Y’all were in love (at least you thought you were) and you wanted the world to know! Finally you were with someone that you didn’t have to sneak around with.

Then one crisp fall day, golden yellow leaves crunch beneath your feet as the two of you walk through your neighborhood. The cloudless blue sky and sunshine is a good omen; it has you feeling particularly amorous. You reach for your lover’s hand, and they snatch it back, as if you’re leprous.

WTF?

If physical affection is your love language and your partner knew that when you started, its cruel to deprive you of it, especially as you grow closer as a couple.

Understandably, nobody’s feeling “lovey-dovey” all the time, but there’s a difference between toning it down, and turning it off. When they start to distance themselves from you, walking miles ahead when you are supposed to be walking together, walk away.

Healthy, loving relationships should never leave doubt in your mind as to whether or not your partner is embarrassed or ashamed of you.

***

If you find yourself neglecting the things that brought you joy pre-relationship, like, blasting your tunes, while you wrote your bleeding heart out way into the night and sometimes the morning, trying to fix that sentence so it knocks the wind out of it’s reader, you need to get out.

If you are starting to recognize that your partner’s passion for their thing starts to become yours-(and it’s not passion for you-you just want to connect) you need to get out.

If you no longer escape the bullshit of the mundane by putting on your tunes and dancing naked in your living room (or wherever you go to unwind), because they dominate the television, you need to get out.

Or, on those rare occasions when they aren’t watching sports, they’ll invite you to watch television with them, which is nice, but you’ll spend hours absorbed in mindless television, compensating for relationship “quality time” when you should be writing, dancing, creating.

Soon, you’ll find yourselves running out of things to talk about and television becomes a buffer. When the show’s over they’ll throw you the remote and turn in for the night, shutting the bedroom door. Shutting you out.

And you are left alone on in the living room in the dark, on the couch, to binge alone, distracting yourself from the sad reality that has become your life. You begin to hate who you’ve become-wondering where you lost yourself…

Put your music on. Write. Dance. Make the magic you were born to make.

Find yourself.

Not all relationships that lack intimacy are a result of illicit affairs. Complacency, boredom, and fear are among the myriad reasons couples cheat. Rocking a boat that’s been sailing smooth and steady all this time requires work. Work ain’t easy. There’s a reason people hate it.

***

Your sexual appetites should align for the most part. Of course, no two people have the same desires or interests; opposites attract for a reason. It’s just that if at some point when the the flame fizzles (and it will ), you’ll want a partner who is willing to try spark it again, because they want to satisfy you. Again, not everyone is down with everything, but try to avoid potential partnerships with anyone who’s a “hard no“. You want someone who’s a “maybe.” They will try to make you happy. And satisfied.

The absence of intimacy is relationship suicide. You and your partner should be able to connect in different ways, on different levels, planes, tabletops-wherever, whatever. Making love is a spiritual experience as well as a physical one. Well rounded relationships connect mind, body, and soul.

The Caveat

Of course, all rules have their exceptions. It is possible to know someone too well (see below), but, it’s better to know someone well, rather than to wake up one morning, after a lifetime together and realize that you didn’t know them at all.

Happily Ever After…

Never compromise who you are or what you want, especially for someone unwilling to do the same for you. If, when you are starting out, and so much as their breathing, or the way they slurp their soup bothers you, pay attention to that. Trust yourself.

They say you can do bad by yourself, which may be true, but you can do better by yourself when you can’t get enough of the beauty that is you.

That’s love.

I’d love to hear where you’re at in your relationship journey. Let me know in the comments. In the meantime, check out No Compromise, a playlist to accompany you for the ride.