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Scared to Death.

I don’t even know what day it is. In the age of quarantine and self-isolation, they all seem to bleed into one another. I’ve succumbed to the monotony of routine. Funny enough, I’ve been able to write, although I should be working on my #WIP-20 years in the making now. But as many of my writing comrades do, I make excuses, I procrastinate. For some reason, right before I set down to write, every single thing in the house that needs doing must get done at that moment. When I’ve finished doing all that needs doing, it’s too late -I’m tired. I’m defeated, but I always promise myself, I’ll get to it tomorrow.

I have been writing, just not for myself. While we’re here, let me take a moment to shamelessly self-promote. Check out some of my articles at moms.com. I’ve included a link to one of my pieces, https://www.moms.com/my-marriage-has-become-another-burden-to-juggle-during-this-time/ which should give you a clue as to what’s been going on with me for the last few months, and also what’s in store for the near future.

I’m a writer. I truly believe this is God’s call on my life. Who am I to resist that?

Who I am, rather what I am is afraid. I’ve been afraid my whole life and, as a result I’m $50,000 in debt. I’m afraid of failure; I’m afraid of success. I’m afraid to listen to that still small voice that tells me where to go, and like Jonah I flee in the opposite direction right into the belly of a whale-which in this case is a marriage that was doomed to fail, and unless I snap out of it, children who will not see their mother live up to her God given potential. It’s not fair to drown others around me-because I don’t want to go where I’m told. Or because somehow I think I know best. God knows, I don’t.

The old adage about the definition of insanity is not lost on me, I can assure you. For 46 years I’ve been doing the same thing-expecting things to change when I keep slamming my head against the same walls.


I’ve probably mentioned this before…it’s a running theme. I’ve been unhappy forever, which is a consequence of what I’ve mentioned a few paragraphs ago. I also realize I’ve been pretty hard on myself, but that’s because I had/have no idea of my worth and I let others tell me what I’m worth and what I can do. Case in point: recently I was accused of plagiarism. As a writer, that has to be the worst insult. It’s like being accused of treason! Anyway, I stopped writing for a while until one of my beloved #WritingCommunity on Twitter told me to be encouraged; often the writing is so good that they belittle you by telling you it can’t be yours. I did some research into the publication, which hasn’t been around long, (I actually have more followers than they do!) and they have no idea what they are talking about. I realized then that I have to always write in my voice, and if that means no longer writing for them, that’s cool, I’d have more time to focus on nurturing my voice, and developing my skills. Of course, I can’t do it on my own, and that’s been a problem for me too. I have to be honest, I’m probably one of a few who couldn’t have been happier when social distancing and self-isolation became the new normal. I hate when people get to close-and check this out, my least favorite part of going to church was shaking people’s hands during the peace and all that-I didn’t want to do coffee hour and socialize with a bunch of people I don’t know…there I’ve said it. I guess that’s why I never regularly attended church (as much as the idea always appeals to me) or any other social group whose purpose it is to “connect.” How was anyone going to help me when I couldn’t even help myself?

See, I figure nobody understands me but me. It seemed when I talked, nobody listened, or interrupted, so I left everything to the page. I can’t be interrupted on the page. But then, I never wanted anyone to see what I was thinking. Nobody was seeing what I was writing. What’s the point? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I need approval, but collaboration is helpful…I can’t do any of this myself.

Now, where were we? Oh yeah, so I’m checking out how to create a podcast, which I intend to attach to my blog. I’ve been actually doing some research to try to make my writing/blog/ stand out. Problem is, when I learn something new, if I don’t use it enough, I lose it.

Yes. I get it.

Like I said, this is not exactly where I intended to go with this post, I had entirely different story to tell, but this is good. I’ve fleshed some stuff out, and it’s good.

In the meantime, check me out on moms.com. Oh yeah, and I found the writing prompts pretty helpful as well, which I was able to get into more before Covid 19 and Netflix stole my life, which brings me to my next goal, to read like I did when I was a kid. I read like my entire life depended on it, which I guess now it does. And as I’ve always said, a writer who doesn’t read is like someone who talks but never listens.

Thank you for listening. I’ll keep talking because I do have something relevant to say.

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  1. I just love your openness with us and thank you for sharing your inner most self with us keep on keeping on and my your dreams become a reality you are to talented to not be happy


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